Harry Potter and the Abnormally Large Head
by Aleatz
Summary: Harry Potter is back at Hogwarts, but will this new level of stupidity allow Malfoy to go through with his evil plan? Will Harry actually turn into Michael Jackson! Only time will tell.
1. Arses and Paper

Jonasel: It was going to happen at some point… we just didn't know when…

Reo: Hi! I've decided to write a random Harry Potter fanfic!

Jonasel: And I'm the co-host!

Reo: That's great… Now enjoy!

P.S. I don't own Harry Potter… or any Carebear DVD's… SO QUIT ASKING ME IF YOU CAN BORROW SOME!

* * *

**hA**R_rY _P_O_**t**tEr _An_D t**H**E A_BNor_m**AL**Ly **Lar**GE **h**eaD

Harry stares out of the Hogwarts Express as soft snow falls onto the mountains.

"Hermione?" he asks, nudging her softly.

"Yes?"

"What's snow made out of?"

"What on earth do you mean, 'what's snow made out of?'"

"For crying out loud woman! The man asked you a question!" Ron snapped while playing tug-o-war with a piece of string with Pig.

Hermione lets out a sigh. "Ice cream Harry. Snow is made out of ice cream…"

"See? I told ya Ron!"

"Dang! I guess I owe you a gallon now…"

"You two are idiots!" Hermione states.

"Of course we are!" Harry comments. "Next to you we're all idiots!"

"If I wasn't around to help you two all the time I doubt you'd even pass a test!"

"Yeah, probably…" Harry says idly.

"Wait Harry… I don't think that's true! I'm way smarter than Harry is Hermione!" Ron declares.

"Oh really… who was the person who got their head stuck between the stair rails?"

"Um…" Ron hesitates, "Some other red haired student…"

"Well Ron… if you're so smart, tell me why we stick to the ground?" Harry asks.

"That's simple." Ron says confidently.

"_It is with Newton's Law of Gravity which states that all arses are attracted to other arses. The earth being of such a big arse compared to the people on it (who are such small arses) attracts any arse in a certain radius (Pi times arse squared) to its arsey surface."_

"Well…" Harry looks at Hermione. "I'm satisfied!"

"Ron… Physics is a muggle subject, and you don't know the first thing about it!"

"Sure I do," Ron justifies, "Didn't you read the paragraph about the arses?"

"YES RON! AND IT MAKES NO SENSE!" Hermione screams in a crazy fashion.

"You're just angry 'cause you think I might be smarter than you…"

"YOU ARE NOT SMARTER THAN ME RON!"

"See Harry? I told you she had a big head!"

Ron and Harry decide it's about time they let Hermione have a bit of 'girl space', considering the fact that this sudden outburst may simply be the cause of 'That-time-of-the-month'. Hermione decides that she would rather be eaten alive by a bunch of glow slugs than stay in the same carriage as the two annoying excuses for the male species which were standing before her. So, she leaves.

* * *

In another carriage, Neville, Ginny and Luna are discussing the many uses for paper.

_(All in stereotypically British accents)_

Neville: Miss Ginny?

Ginny: What is it Mr Neville?

Neville: I don't believe we've throughally discussed the many amazing uses for paper yet.

Luna: I believe you're right Mr Neville! Shall we continue?

Neville: Yes, of course!

Ginny: Let me add another suggestion to our list… toilet paper!

Neville: Oh yes! What a cracking suggestion Miss Ginny! One needs to scrub their arse! Please Miss Luna, write that one down!

Luna: What about that special paper terrorists use?

Ginny: What special paper terrorists use?

Luna: You know the one that contains that white powder which they send to people?

Neville: Oh yes! Of course, anthrax! Put that one down too!

Meanwhile… in a carriage nearby…

* * *

Reo: Yes… It's clear to anyone that I was on something just about now. But I feel I need a fanfic to take out all my craziness. These voices just give me too much pressure…

Jonasel: Voices… (?)

Reo: Yeah… they told me I should kill you last night.

Jonasel!

Harry!

Ron: Mmm… voices…

Till next time!


	2. Witchery!

Reo: I'm back!

Jonasel: Oh no…

Reo: Oh yes! (Starts evil laugh)

Welcome to…

* * *

**Witchery!**

_In this nearby carriage which was mentioned in the previous chapter…_

Draco: Yes! I've finally figured out how to get rid of Potter and those annoying muggle-lovers he hangs around with!

Goyle: Oh really… how are you going to do that?

Draco: Simple, my utterly repulsive friend! I will slip this potion into his pumpkin juice (presents a small bottle to Crabbe and Goyle) and it will make Potter go temporarily insane (gives evil laugh).

Crabbe: Where did you get it from?

Draco: My father made it especially for the occasion.

Goyle: What occasion?

Draco: Going back to school and having to see Potter and all those muggle-lovers again.

Crabbe: I don't understand…

Draco: That isn't a first for you Crabbe.

Crabbe: But why do we want Potter to go insane?

Draco: Oh Crabbe… you simply aren't smart enough to understand such evil plots… If Potter is insane than he is likely to turn on his friends, and they wouldn't do anything about it because they don't want to harm him!

(Draco starts evil laugh. Crabbe and Goyle begin to join in.)

Draco: NO! Only I'm allowed to laugh! _Muahahahaha!

* * *

_

_Back inside the carriage with the two idiots and a smartarse…_

"Okay Harry… Now try again. I know you know the answer to this one…"

"Um… can you give me a clue?"

Hermione sighs, "It starts with a W."

Harry thinks for a while. Ron is scratching his head also.

"Okay… I think I know what it is…" Harry says. "And you said it rhymes with 'lizard', didn't you?"

"Will someone put this retard out of his misery?"

"Ron! You don't know the answer to this either!" Hermione shouts.

"Yeah, but at least I'm not going through all the clues again…" Ron boasts.

"I got it!" Harry says, "I'm a wizard!"

"That's right Harry," Hermione says in a pleased tone.

"We're all proud of you Harry," Ron adds, flipping through a certain magazine which I won't mention.

"Okay… now… do you know what I am?" Hermione asks.

"Give me a clue!" Harry says in a childish voice.

"It starts with W, and it rhymes with 'itch'".

(Jeopardy ticking clock game show music comes on)

"Give me another clue!" Harry pleads.

"Oh come on! I've already given you two!" Hermione shouts. "Ron, why don't you have a guess?"

"Can't. Busy." Ron says, holding the magazine with one hand and putting his other hand in an unmentionable position.

"For crying out loud you two! I'M A WITCH!"

Harry and Ron in unison, "Ahh!"

Harry: WITCH! WITCH!

Ron: BURN HER! BURN HER!

Hermione: I can't believe you two are this stupid…

Harry: WHERE'S THE GARLIC RON?

Ron: I THINK WITCH'S ARE RESISTANT TO GARLIC! OH NO! WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?

Harry: THERE'S GOT TO BE SOMETHING ABOUT WITCHES IN YOUR MAGAZINE!

Ron: I DON'T THINK SO! (Flips through magazine with one hand)

WHAT CAN WE DO?

* * *

Jonasel: Ok. I know this fanfic is unbelievably stupid. But I didn't write it. Reo did. So if you're writing a complaint, don't address it to me. Address it to her.

Bye bye!


	3. Cut out the Crap!

Reo: Here we are again!

Jonasel: You know… this job wasn't as glamorous as you made it out to be Reo.

Reo: I know… but you've got a contract so now you're stuck with me for life!

Jonasel: FOR LIFE!

Reo: Yeah… you should read what you sign…

* * *

**Cut out the Crap!**

As they sat down in the great hall, Hermione resisted the urge to kill Harry and Ron, who, on the train, had tried to kill her. Firstly they had tied and gagged her. Then they had found pieces of broken furniture and luggage to put around her feet. Then they had attempted to set her alight using _incendio_. Thank goodness they were both idiots and couldn't figure out how to do it or Hermione would now be a pile of smoldering ash.

"Greetings once again," Dumbledore bellowed across the hall, "and welcome to another year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry."

"OH MY GOD!" Harry screamed, "WITCHCRAFT!"

"I TOLD YOU HARRY! THEY'RE ALL IN ON IT!" came Ron's voice which was equally loud.

Hermione attempted to move further away from them, but unfortunately the table was crowded.

"Is something wrong Mr Potter and Mr Weasley?" Dumbledore asked. The entire hall was now starring at them, but refusing the urge to laugh only because Dumbledore was speaking.

"YOU'RE ALL WITCHES!" Ron screamed while pointing to Lavender Brown, who was trying not to giggle.

"I see…" Dumbledore said, rolling his eyes which seemed like the one hundredth time. "Well now will probably be a good time to tell you that the school will need to make some cuts this year."

"Cuts?" Hermione asked, ignoring Harry and Ron who were running around frantically, trying to crucify Parvati.

"Yes, it appears that from all the extra magical security expenses used to keep Lord Voldermort from getting into the school… which have been building up since Harry P arrived here… no, that's too obvious… make that H Potter…" Everyone stares at Harry who is tying up Luna to a stake. "Anyway… I'm afraid that that the following areas will suffer severe cuts… library resources…"

Hermione stares at Dumbledore with utter shock written on her face.

"…herbology flora…"

Neville sulks in his seat.

"… and last, but not least… the dark arts…"

Draco punches the nearest person in rage (which coincidentally, just happened to be himself).

"I'm afraid that this is the case at hand…" Dumbledore continued, "…and if any of you see a problem with it I suggest you all take it out on Mr. Potter during your breaks."

The whole hall eyed Harry with pure hatred. Even during the feast not a single one of them uttered a word to Harry, which made him feel depressed.

"It's not my fault that Lord Volde-… Lord Voldemer-…"

"Lord Voldermort Harry," Hermione whispered, not really realising the severity of the name she had just spoken.

"Yeah… that guy. It's not my fault he's trying to kill me," Harry said like an unloved puppy.

"Yeah. It's not your fault that Hermione will have to study with second-rate books," Ron smiled, which made Hermione's lip curl.

"Precisely," Harry said, digging his teeth into a chicken wing. "There's nothing I can do about it."

_Meanwhile… on the Slytherin table…_

Draco: Now's the perfect opportunity!

Crabbe: Perfect opportunity for what?

Draco: You truly are an idiot, aren't you Crabbe?

Crabbe: I'm not an idiot… I just have no idea what you're talking about, that's all.

Doyle: I think he's referring to the cunning plan…

Crabbe: Oh yes! The cunning plan! What was that again?

Draco: (Put's his face in his hands) we're going to put the potion into Potter's pumpkin juice you blumberhead!

Crabbe: Oh… of course… and why is now the perfect opportunity?

Draco: Because, my petite brained friend, the whole school is outraged at Potter because of all the cuts Dumbledore needed to make for him.

Doyle: I see…

Draco: So if Potter goes insane because of this potion now, no one will care!

Doyle: That's genius Draco!

Draco: I know!

_Back with the two idiots, the smartarse and the three posh talking brits (one of them being tied to a stake)_

"Why must they cut down on herbology?" Neville queried (in his unusual stereotypical British accent)

"I suppose it has to be done if we have Harry Potter at our school," Ginny stated mockingly.

As Hermione tried desperately to cope with the grief of never seeing another new book in the library again, she noticed Malfoy stand up irregularly from his own table and begin to walk over to theirs.

"Why is Malfoy walking over here?" she asked Ron and Harry. They only had the brain capacity to concentrate on one thing at a time, and at the moment they seemed to be only interested in food. Hermione continued to watch Malfoy as he walked along Harry and Ron's side of the table. Just before he passed them he stumbled, sending a whole palter tumbling onto the ground.

The entire Gryffindor table cracked up. Hermione was the only one who kept a straight face as she watched Malfoy stand up again. Malfoy wasn't usually clumsy she thought as the rest of the table laughed around her. But then, with a slip of a wrist Malfoy did something over Harry's drink. Hermione was obviously the only one who noticed. As Malfoy wandered off Harry was about to take a sip of his drink…

* * *

Reo: Muahahahaha!

Jonasel: Stop that…

Reo: No… I won't!

Jonasel: Fine…

Reo: Muahahahaha!

Okay. You do not have to tell me that this is one of the craziest stories I've ever written. I already know. I hope all you insane people have enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it, that's all.

* * *

**_Responses to reviews…_**

**Kimtheoddball-**

Reo: I like your character suggestion Kim. I shall consider it.

Jonasel: What! I write! Just because it's not on this site like Reo's is doesn't mean I don't do it too!

**Lizie-**

Reo: Thank you so much for reviewing Lizie! Luv ya lots!

**Lexie-potter-**

Reo: No. I didn't write this on that afternoon where you were sleeping. But yes. I'm planning on writing more to this. As for the craziness comment… I already know I'm crazier than Kim, so you don't have to tell me.


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